A Stuttering Heart
by Mai Kurosaki
Summary: "There are so many words in our language and yet none can describe what I feel for you, this love that won't go away no matter how much I wanted it gone."


**Disclaimer: **Sadly, Kubo Tite owns _Bleach_. I just borrowed his characters for this ficlet.

**A Stuttering Heart**

His eyes look scared.

They aren't supposed to look like that.

His beautiful eyes, cinnamon-like, deep with comfort for everyone, look scared. Frightened to death. The color swims and twirls around the pupils, making them look bigger, warmer, but also sadder.

His own fingers twitch with the desire, no, the _need_ to touch the boy in front of him, the brat that has destroyed all the walls from his heart. He feels so overwhelmed that he has to fist his hands, until he can feel blood slowly curling down in the sand that covers everything, buries everything between this boy and him. He knows very well that if he lets things like that, nothing will be settled. The boy will go his way and he will go his separate way and that will be all. The sand will cover with ash all the memories of this moment, when his cinnamon eyes look frightened with the possibilities that lay between them.

He clears his throat. He didn't lay aside almost fifty years of solitude by confessing his affection for the boy to lose everything now. He looks at the boy… maybe he's wrong, the _man_ that is in front of him. He has to act now. He has to say something before everything shutters down, before the man puts that brave front and smiles sadly and thinks that this isn't something that he deserves.

"What did you say?" The boy whispers. He looks torn, like he's ready to bolt out of there like Aizen is alive and kicking again. He looks like Byakuya has just told him an unforgiving news, cursing him to undeniable pain.

Byakuya swallows hard, his own hands bleeding a little more. His blunt nails carve their own shelter within the palms of his hands. The silent pain digs within his consciousness but it doesn't settle. He has to find the courage to say what he wants to the boy, what he needs to tell him.

"I said…", his stern voice sounding more gravelly than usual, "I said I would like you to come and rest at my mansion until this new conflict is resolved. There is no need for you to burden the other divisions with your presence." As soon as the words go out of his mouth, he knows with certainty that he has said the wrong things. The boy's eyes sadden and Byakuya feels like maybe throw himself off a cliff would be the best. Why is he so goddamn incapable of telling Kurosaki Ichigo the damn things that he wants to say?

"You still consider me a burden?" The orange light says and Byakuya feels almost dizzy with the need to touch him now, tell him now….

"No," Byakuya chokes on the word. One hundred years and something of existence, one hundred years and something of doing all the right things and do all the proper things for the others and he can't say the one thing that he wants the most to say to the person that he… "I love you", blurts out and there's such feeling in his words that the boy's eyes take all the surprise in this world and dry it of its essence. They get bigger, their color darker.

His harsh breath doesn't cover the sound of the small step that Ichigo takes back. Another one follows. And another.

"Please, don't." Byakuya can't let him continue. He bottled up so much that he wants to at least have the chance to say everything. "At least be gracious enough to listen everything I have to say and then you can bolt to your heart's desire." His voice sounds so calm and yet he is anything but calm. He is about to lose everything: he can see this in Ichigo's demeanor, in the way his body is angled towards an escape route, towards any direction that will bring him further and further away from Byakuya.

The young man looks troubled again. It's like he can't process what Byakuya has just confessed. And what's not to trouble him? Being told all of a sudden that someone is in love with you isn't exactly something easy on the ears. His orange hair is mused with the sweat from the sparing that they had and his chocolate eyes flutter restlessly.

"You just said…" Ichigo gasps. "I can't… this isn't…"

"…something that should be told in this tone?" Byakuya looks at Ichigo. "It seems I am hopeless to do anything right when it comes to you. But please, have a little patience with a man that hasn't done this in more than fifty years. Please, just have the cutesy to listen to me".

"I'm not going to run away." Ichigo looks at him determined, but it's little reassurance to Byakuya. The boy's broad shoulders are tensed as if he confronts a new enemy. His whole body screams danger and somehow Byakuya feels that this is right. How many times has he been gentle with this man? More often than not, he has told him that Soul Society isn't his place, blamed him for his sister's troubles, almost got him killed and ever since Ichigo came to finally live in Soul Society, he has been trying to be at least a mere nice acquaintance. _Anything_ to have him near.

He tightens his fists.

"I don't know how else to say what is in my heart now." Byakuya begins like Ichigo has been inside his brain and knows all his fears. It is the only chance to say everything. At least he can get it out and then when Ichigo refuses him politely, he can go on with his life as before, frozen under layers and layers of unshared feelings. He is sure that Ichigo will find ways to ignore him and then everything will go back to normal. But he will miss him, oh God, how much he will miss him.

"Try to find your own way." Ichigo whispers kindly.

His eyes. His goddamn eyes are so beautiful. They look gentler, softer at Byakuya.

"I can't." He admits defeated. "I can't say too much, but let me just say this: I can't be near you anymore. I don't know when these feelings found their roots in my heart; I don't know when I started looking at you like you are the sun. Yet you melt every resolve that I have. I tell myself that I don't want to be near you, yet you invade my space and you tell me stories from the real world and you help me with the reports when no one asked you to."

Byakuya looks again at Ichigo, losing himself in those eyes.

"You are brash and you are loud. You are obnoxious most of the times, and irritating in the others. You can't take a hint when I don't want to be disturbed and you can't be polite to save your life. You destroyed everything I believed in and you shattered every comfortable corner of numbness that I have created. You make me feel so alive that I hate you sometimes for it. You want to talk to me when others run and you seem to like my company even when I am rude to you."

Byakuya feels calmer. Now that everything is out in the open, he can just press the matter even more. He can dig himself a hole in Ichigo's heart, even if it won't last. But this moment, this _moment_ right here must stay with him for eternity. The young man looks amazed.

"You make my heart stutter." He continues convinced by what he says, secure in all his gestures, his voice penetrating the astonished haze that glazes Ichigo's eyes. "You make me want to be a better brother… a better person. You make me want to be _better_. You make me want to be alive just for you. I have loved only three people in my life: my grandfather, Hisana and Rukia, and yet you top them all. There are so many words in our language and yet none can describe what I feel for you, this love that won't go away no matter how much I wanted it gone. I love you. I really do love you."

He sighs. He takes a step towards the young man and although Ichigo seems frozen in his stupor, he still manages to take a step back. Byakuya's twitch sadly. Yes, he has been aware that this was going to happen.

"Why now?" Ichigo finally whispers, swallowing past the lump in his throat.

"I'm tired of pretending that I don't want to know intimately the way your eyes look when you wake up in the morning, the way your body would move next to mine. I'm tired of pretending that I don't want to possess you and claim you as mine. It's ridiculous how much I want to have days spent with you, because you are the only person that gets to see the real me and not run in fear, not cower in disgust."

"You don't disgust me!" Ichigo exclaims and all of the sudden he takes a step towards him again and this time Byakuya's heart crumbles. "You… I admire you. So much." Ichigo looks honestly at him. "I always thought that you are a great commander and a great man and that Rukia is damn lucky to have you as a brother." He smiles a little cheekily. "So what if you're anal retentive and want everything to be in perfect order? So what if you are grumpy when you haven't drunk three cups of tea before breakfast? So what if you take time to help me with getting to know how Soul Society works and have patience with me, when I ask the silliest questions just so I can struck a nerve?"

Ichigo's smile falters and then finally disappears.

For his own part, Byakuya is kind of stunned to hear how many things Ichigo has learned about him. It warms him a little just to know that he isn't indifferent to him. He regrets that he will lose this easy friendship that settled between them.

"Thank you." He replies politely, taking a step back. "It's good to know that you have a good opinion about me. I really hope that this ridiculous outburst from my part won't make the things awkward between us and that we can still keep the things in a civil manner." He is about to turn around when Ichigo's rough voice stops him.

"Where do you think you are going? If you love me so much, shouldn't you at least listen to what I have to say to you? At least fight a little for me?"

Ichigo's eyes are raw with an unnamed feeling that makes Byakuya feel like it's his turn to get surprised. Ichigo's eyes never leave him as he takes small steps towards him until they stand face to face.

"I'm not good at this," he admits blushing heavily and his left hand goes up in his orange locks, "and I won't be as good as you have been, but for what is worth, I see you, Kuchiki Byakuya, I see you just the way you are and you make my heart stutter too. You make me want to be better too and sometimes I can't breathe either when I am near you. And for the record, I love you too."

_There_.

Mighty Kuchiki Byakuya left without words, stripped bare of his pride and honor.

Just a man.

_Ichigo Kurosaki's man_.

There's a soft smile on those beloved lips and Ichigo slowly takes his hands into his own. He kisses the white knuckles and Byakuya realizes just then that he still hasn't relaxed, he still feels like Ichigo is going to bolt any minute now.

"You're bleeding." The young man whispers and takes him to the spring where they usually clean their wounds and let it heal them. He washes Byakuya hands and makes them relax with soft kisses and gentle caresses.

"I'm not going to bolt, you know." Ichigo whispers and he is so close that Byakuya inhales Ichigo's scent: a little sweat, a little wilderness and something, which is entirely Ichigo. "It just feels so much like a dream that I am afraid that I will just wake up and you will be a pompous asshole who doesn't notice me most of the times and the other times he's just too annoyed with me."

Byakuya knows the sensation. Everything is so raw within him. He takes Ichigo's face between his now healed hands and pulls him closer.

"I am going to kiss you now. And once I know how you taste, I won't let you leave. So if you don't want this, this is the moment when you tell me."

The only answer is Ichigo's small smile before he comes closer and presses his soft lips against Byakuya's. At the beginning there's nothing more than a press of lips, but then, Byakuya deepens the kiss and before he knows what he is doing, he reverently kisses Ichigo with everything he's got, licking inside his mouth. Yes, Ichigo tastes delicious, more delicious than he has ever imagined. Reality pales in comparison with the small fantasies and dreams that he had about this moment.

Ichigo's hands grab his haori and pull him closer and closer, until the young man is in his lap, and he kisses back without any doubt, without any other feeling except hunger and desire. They pull away at the same time and gasp for air and when Ichigo sees Byakuya's eyes, he gasps all over again, but for different reason.

Byakuya knows that the young man sees the undiluted lust in them, the pure love. Ichigo sees Kuchiki Byakuya without restraints, with no need to pretend anymore. And if it matters to anyone other than him, those incredible cinnamon eyes look back blown away with the same kind of love and affection and desire.

"Until I have met you, I didn't know how to live." He whispers against the boy's lips, his gorgeous eyes fluttering closed. He softly kisses them, then the cheeks and the nose, the corner of the lips, the lips themselves. "I love you."

Ichigo opens his clear eyes and looks back.

"I love you too."

No restraint. Not a single lie.

…

Ichigo's eyes are dark in the morning, the light crashing in them with the same abandon with which Byakuya conquered his body. Their chocolate color darkens when they settle over Byakuya and his abused lips smile in a soft manner.

Byakuya's heart stutters.

It makes him smile for the first time in over fifty years. And the answering smile speaks of desire and loyalty and trust.

And love. _So much love_.

**oOo**

_A/N1: This served as my inspiration:_ _"I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand and the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep and there are no words for that." (Brian Andreas) Thank you, __**otahotian**__, for clearing it up. You're my hero. XD_

_A/N2: I know I should be writing an epilogue. It's halfway to be finished but real life tends to get in my way. Promise I will finish it soon, or die trying. O.O_


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